File note

Dear Doctor,

Re: A and D

Diagnosis:
1. Fourth unsuccessful IVF cycle
2. Primary infertility secondary to azoospermia post vasectomy reversal
3. Hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy, treated cardiac septal ablation, 1998 and 1999, second procedure complicated by vascular injury requiring double bypass graft
4. Allergy to aspirin and ibuprofen
5. Dysmenorrhoea, possibly due to endometriosis
6. Short menstrual cycle

Review appointment

Last Thursday we had our review appointment at the clinic with Dr C. It felt awful being there. While we were in the waiting room, I didn't want to stay. I certainly didn't want to talk about how we had failed again and how there was even less hope. Although we had always planned that this previous attempt would be our last, I am still not ready to let go of this dream, but I braced myself for a negative consultation.

Feedback invitation

Dear A and D

Thank you for choosing [clinic] for your care. As clinic manager I would really appreciate your feedback and I enclose our feedback questionnaire - and a couple of tea bags to help you slow down and take time to answer it! Thank you for your time.

After the weekend

D and I had a very quiet weekend together. We went out on Friday evening and bought several bottles of wine and hired five movies from the DVD rental shop. Thankfully, it was a rainy weekend so we didn't feel too bad about spending it on the couch. It was nice not being so careful about doing things that were good for me - though I didn't enjoy the slight hangover I had on Saturday morning!

Negative

Nurse E just rang with the bad news. My blood test this morning was negative. I think I had prepared myself for this. I have had some minor cramping today (don't know why - I shouldn't expect a period until a few days after I stop the progesterone pessaries) and I took that as a sign that all wasn't well. It would have been a nice surprise if it had been positive, but I was feeling pessimistic.

Blood and boats

This morning as I was driving to the lab to have my blood test, the radio station I was listening to was full of news about the upcoming Americas Cup race. All the expected questions - will we win, will we be successful, will this be the day - really didn't help my heightened sense of anticipation. Driving home, after Team New Zealand had lost that race, I felt myself hoping that this wasn't a bad omen. I don't normally think like that, but for a little while it felt that the rest of the country was joining us in our overwhelming feelings of nervousness and hope.

The blood test went fine, so now it's just a matter of waiting a few hours until the clinic calls me with the results. We didn't sleep well last night. Neither of us could stop all the conflicting thoughts running amok through our heads. At the moment, I simply can't imagine what it will feel like if the nurse tells me the test is positive. I think I have prepared myself for a negative result. More later.

The TWW

This time, D and I have found the two-week wait to be agonising. We are both trying not to think about it, but in around 48 hours we will know the result of this IVF cycle. I really feel like the rest of our lives are hanging on that phone call. If it's positive, we'll be in a confused state of absolute joy and trepidation, hoping that this time the pregnancy will last and we will become a family of three. If it's negative, we are going to have a whole heap of emotions and issues to work through before, hopefully, we come to terms with our childless state and embark on a new life plan. I am beginning to feel like I just don't want to know!

Letter from the lab

Dear A and D,

Thank you for having IVF treatment at [clinic]. I'm writing on behalf of the laboratory team with a brief summary of the embryology from this cycle.

Letter

Dear A and D

Re: Appointment at [clinic]

As you have now booked on for treatment, an appointment has been made for you to see Dr P on Wednesday 9 October at 3.30pm.

Embryo transfer

Yesterday afternoon I went back to the clinic for the embryo transfer. My tummy still felt a bit uncomfortable, but I couldn't feel anything much unless I tried to cough or moved too quickly. The bloating had completely disappeared.